this is just too much.. +_+

hey, haven't write in dis blog since i'm busy with de college things...
hmm, i'm in a very2 low position right now. it's just too hard to accept, and too hurts to remember..

remember that i used to think there are two boys who'd kinda give me a special attention, and i always try to be careful with their hearts (dun want any of them get hurts bcoz of me)?
well the truth now, both of them are really success in hurting me. but, maybe it is not all their fault, i was wrong too!! I WAS WRONG TO HOPING FOR THEIR LOVE (*doesn't mean that i want to have them both, but i will pick one of them to be the one #butthat'ssoimpossible right now)

well the climax of the story is yesterday..

FIRST KNIFE was pierce when.. (well, i'm gonna write the story starting from the first boy)
he sent me massage in the morning to ask me to lend him my modem. i lend him but i asked him to wait coz i need to take a shower first. then after taking a shower, i read his message. i thought that he already arrived in my dorm, but i was wrong.
he said that one of our friend will go to my dorm to take the modem, and i was like > " okay, so it's NOT you who's gonna take that modem. fine then!"
so i give the modem to my friend.
then, he sent me message in the evening to say dat he want to give back the modem. no longer after dat i met him, adn he gave me the modem #nothing's special..
*will continue next*

SECOND KNIFE was pierce when..
the boy that called me princess and so on is like a JERK. hate him really really much..
I thought that he is the one that really have a special feeling with me. BUT I WAS WRONG.
i shouldn't love him at the first time. coz this is so wroonggg..
YOU KNOW WHY?! COZ HE HAS SOMEONE SPECIAL ALREADY..!!
i just know it yesterday when i saw his FB. though it is not showed in the relationship status, but i can see it from their wall and also from their picture. this knife really torn my heart..
not because i'm too in love with him, but i feel so stupid, and ashamed also..

hmmfh, am i too innocent or too stupid yah? did they think that i am a doll to play with but not the one to be with? LOL, i just like a toy which can be played and leave anytime they want. DAMN, feel like a cheap girl or sumthing DX

the worst thing is..
that girl, add my fb account. i dun have any choice unless to accept it :(
#try to act as normal as i can, though it is really hard for me..

then, continue with the first boy..
after i saw the second boy fb, i really curious with the first one. i thought that maybe there's something strange too in this fb. then my feeling was right..!!!
when i saw the FB, i saw the wall from a girl too. and the are really close in that wall.
hmm, and he also wrote a status that "i can wait to meet/i miss my pediasure!"
GOSH, two knives at one night..
hurts me so bad..

the one that i really take a careful step with their heart is hurting me with a same time..
am i dat bad? am i really can't or not allowed to fell in love?
should i still trust with a boy? or is it means that i have to closed my heart so i won't get hurt for once again??

god, plis answer all of the questions in my head :(

It's time to let it go..!!

this is a hard decission i guess. i don't know wheter it will be a good idea or not..
hmmfh, but i think i wanna let all the feelings go. i know that this is not easy, but for now this is the best choice.

I'M LOST. i don't know what should i do with this feeling, my possition, and also his attention...
actually i really want to disscuss it with my close friends, but i guess they don't have time to listen in my STUPID and not so important story..
i really need sum1 to talk to, but nobody cares with it..
all of my friends busy with their own life, they're new friends, their work or activities..
my brother, he's different now. not the brother that i used to know..
all of the things in his mind is what's good for him, and how to take attention from people in his surrounding and also his popularity..
HIS WORLD IS DIFFERENT FROM MINE..!!

and bcoz of the situation above ^^^^
i take a conclusion dat maybe i should end this STUPID story, i should not hoping to get the love from this boy, and i have to realize that he WON'T feel the same way like i do right now..
WAKE UP TI..!! without telling anybody, you SHOULD HAVE REALIZE that this boy DOES NOT and NEVER have a special feeling to you..!! he's kindness is just because he's the head class and you're his friend dat also his secretary. NOT BECAUSE HE LIKES YOU!!!

God, this is too hard..
writting all dis makes me cried already. i can't imagine dat i have to LET IT GO..
he's the one right now. it's just him. no one dat can makes me stop to hoping for his love, INCLUDING ARIEL. but i really have to END this soon :'(

the song that accompany me writting dis blog >>> CINTA SENDIRI - KAHITNA
maybe that's the perfect picture of my situation right now..!!
:((

Is it REAL or JUST ANOTHER CRUSH...??!! (part 2)

Flash Back :

the sweetest things dat he have said..

"udah ngga usa dibales aja smsnya tiara. apa biar aku telfon Yusuf nya biar dia ngga nelfon kamu lagi?"

But, no longer after dat...

i kinda confused with all his attention to me..

well, there's a gurl dat has the same name *almost* with him. well, the others like to match them up like a couple..

First i was okay with it, but then..

one dah we have to pay for english book, and (the girl ^^^^) didn't bring money for that, but no longer after that she accidently found some money in her pocket.

"wah, trnyata di dompet aku ada uangnya. hahahaha, nih aku bayar!!" she said

"tenang aja chi, kalo kamu ngga bawa juga bisa pake uang aku dulu kok!" he said

by that time i was like, what the hell??

in front of me you show dat kind of attention??

all day, i was soooo mad at him. but i dunno why, forgot also..

that madness gone..

then, the other problems come..

it starts when he said that he and nita (my other friend) was in de same room at the registration day. he wonder if anita knows dat.

then, when my friend said "ciye daus, sampe hafal. jgn2 ngincer nita nih"

his reaction is different like he use to react when people match him with uci..

his face is so serious dat time. but i can't figure out what's on his mind..

then the next day, nita sits beside him..

and he react so strange. *salting*

gosh, does he has a special feeling to nita??

T^T

but sometimes i feel like he giving some kind of a special attention to me..

they are :

1. he gives me the 1st cake in his birthday *i know it's the request from th class, but why would he wanna do dat if he doesn't like me? why don't he just gives the spoon not feeding me by himself!!

2. why he keep send me message, and always reply my messages (though it's not very urgent)

3. why he keep reminding me to eat, to take care myself, to drink medicine?

4. why he often say goodnight to me

aaaargh, i love you. though there's some guy who suddenly close to me. but you're the one that i think bout. you're message is the one that i waited for, and your love is what i am looking for..

DO YOU LOVE ME OR YOU JUST CONSIDERING ME AS A FRIEND?? DX

Is it REAL or JUST ANOTHER CRUSH...??!! (part 1)

sooo, confused!!
it begins with..

hmm, when the first time i enter the college, i met tis boy..
you know what, sometimes i feel like he's looking to me when he was smilling..
it's kinda freaking me up.

oh ya, we are in the same class which is IF-3404, and no longer after starting the real college, he become the head class and i become the secretary..

you knoe, i feel like i have interest in him. but, i just try to ignore it coz i don't know him and i think dat that's not important for me..
BUT, that feeling suddenly appear..

i don't kno when is it started, but the conversation between us starting with the wrong number thing!!!
first, i wanna ask him about the KSM, but unfortunatelly i contact the wrong number..
then i got his right number from the other friend, and starting then we are closely enough..

actually i don't know how will our relationship be..
but the different feeling appears when he said
"udah ngga usah di bales aja smsnya tiara. apa biar aku telfon yusufnya (the wrong number guy) aja biar dia ngga nelfon kamu lagi?"
gosh, dat's the sweetest things ever dat sum1 said to me *u may say that i'm too much for that, but it's reaal!!"

after dat we keep on texting, and sumtimes we texting until we falll asleep.

BUT..........