this is just too much.. +_+

hey, haven't write in dis blog since i'm busy with de college things...
hmm, i'm in a very2 low position right now. it's just too hard to accept, and too hurts to remember..

remember that i used to think there are two boys who'd kinda give me a special attention, and i always try to be careful with their hearts (dun want any of them get hurts bcoz of me)?
well the truth now, both of them are really success in hurting me. but, maybe it is not all their fault, i was wrong too!! I WAS WRONG TO HOPING FOR THEIR LOVE (*doesn't mean that i want to have them both, but i will pick one of them to be the one #butthat'ssoimpossible right now)

well the climax of the story is yesterday..

FIRST KNIFE was pierce when.. (well, i'm gonna write the story starting from the first boy)
he sent me massage in the morning to ask me to lend him my modem. i lend him but i asked him to wait coz i need to take a shower first. then after taking a shower, i read his message. i thought that he already arrived in my dorm, but i was wrong.
he said that one of our friend will go to my dorm to take the modem, and i was like > " okay, so it's NOT you who's gonna take that modem. fine then!"
so i give the modem to my friend.
then, he sent me message in the evening to say dat he want to give back the modem. no longer after dat i met him, adn he gave me the modem #nothing's special..
*will continue next*

SECOND KNIFE was pierce when..
the boy that called me princess and so on is like a JERK. hate him really really much..
I thought that he is the one that really have a special feeling with me. BUT I WAS WRONG.
i shouldn't love him at the first time. coz this is so wroonggg..
YOU KNOW WHY?! COZ HE HAS SOMEONE SPECIAL ALREADY..!!
i just know it yesterday when i saw his FB. though it is not showed in the relationship status, but i can see it from their wall and also from their picture. this knife really torn my heart..
not because i'm too in love with him, but i feel so stupid, and ashamed also..

hmmfh, am i too innocent or too stupid yah? did they think that i am a doll to play with but not the one to be with? LOL, i just like a toy which can be played and leave anytime they want. DAMN, feel like a cheap girl or sumthing DX

the worst thing is..
that girl, add my fb account. i dun have any choice unless to accept it :(
#try to act as normal as i can, though it is really hard for me..

then, continue with the first boy..
after i saw the second boy fb, i really curious with the first one. i thought that maybe there's something strange too in this fb. then my feeling was right..!!!
when i saw the FB, i saw the wall from a girl too. and the are really close in that wall.
hmm, and he also wrote a status that "i can wait to meet/i miss my pediasure!"
GOSH, two knives at one night..
hurts me so bad..

the one that i really take a careful step with their heart is hurting me with a same time..
am i dat bad? am i really can't or not allowed to fell in love?
should i still trust with a boy? or is it means that i have to closed my heart so i won't get hurt for once again??

god, plis answer all of the questions in my head :(

It's time to let it go..!!

this is a hard decission i guess. i don't know wheter it will be a good idea or not..
hmmfh, but i think i wanna let all the feelings go. i know that this is not easy, but for now this is the best choice.

I'M LOST. i don't know what should i do with this feeling, my possition, and also his attention...
actually i really want to disscuss it with my close friends, but i guess they don't have time to listen in my STUPID and not so important story..
i really need sum1 to talk to, but nobody cares with it..
all of my friends busy with their own life, they're new friends, their work or activities..
my brother, he's different now. not the brother that i used to know..
all of the things in his mind is what's good for him, and how to take attention from people in his surrounding and also his popularity..
HIS WORLD IS DIFFERENT FROM MINE..!!

and bcoz of the situation above ^^^^
i take a conclusion dat maybe i should end this STUPID story, i should not hoping to get the love from this boy, and i have to realize that he WON'T feel the same way like i do right now..
WAKE UP TI..!! without telling anybody, you SHOULD HAVE REALIZE that this boy DOES NOT and NEVER have a special feeling to you..!! he's kindness is just because he's the head class and you're his friend dat also his secretary. NOT BECAUSE HE LIKES YOU!!!

God, this is too hard..
writting all dis makes me cried already. i can't imagine dat i have to LET IT GO..
he's the one right now. it's just him. no one dat can makes me stop to hoping for his love, INCLUDING ARIEL. but i really have to END this soon :'(

the song that accompany me writting dis blog >>> CINTA SENDIRI - KAHITNA
maybe that's the perfect picture of my situation right now..!!
:((

Is it REAL or JUST ANOTHER CRUSH...??!! (part 2)

Flash Back :

the sweetest things dat he have said..

"udah ngga usa dibales aja smsnya tiara. apa biar aku telfon Yusuf nya biar dia ngga nelfon kamu lagi?"

But, no longer after dat...

i kinda confused with all his attention to me..

well, there's a gurl dat has the same name *almost* with him. well, the others like to match them up like a couple..

First i was okay with it, but then..

one dah we have to pay for english book, and (the girl ^^^^) didn't bring money for that, but no longer after that she accidently found some money in her pocket.

"wah, trnyata di dompet aku ada uangnya. hahahaha, nih aku bayar!!" she said

"tenang aja chi, kalo kamu ngga bawa juga bisa pake uang aku dulu kok!" he said

by that time i was like, what the hell??

in front of me you show dat kind of attention??

all day, i was soooo mad at him. but i dunno why, forgot also..

that madness gone..

then, the other problems come..

it starts when he said that he and nita (my other friend) was in de same room at the registration day. he wonder if anita knows dat.

then, when my friend said "ciye daus, sampe hafal. jgn2 ngincer nita nih"

his reaction is different like he use to react when people match him with uci..

his face is so serious dat time. but i can't figure out what's on his mind..

then the next day, nita sits beside him..

and he react so strange. *salting*

gosh, does he has a special feeling to nita??

T^T

but sometimes i feel like he giving some kind of a special attention to me..

they are :

1. he gives me the 1st cake in his birthday *i know it's the request from th class, but why would he wanna do dat if he doesn't like me? why don't he just gives the spoon not feeding me by himself!!

2. why he keep send me message, and always reply my messages (though it's not very urgent)

3. why he keep reminding me to eat, to take care myself, to drink medicine?

4. why he often say goodnight to me

aaaargh, i love you. though there's some guy who suddenly close to me. but you're the one that i think bout. you're message is the one that i waited for, and your love is what i am looking for..

DO YOU LOVE ME OR YOU JUST CONSIDERING ME AS A FRIEND?? DX

Is it REAL or JUST ANOTHER CRUSH...??!! (part 1)

sooo, confused!!
it begins with..

hmm, when the first time i enter the college, i met tis boy..
you know what, sometimes i feel like he's looking to me when he was smilling..
it's kinda freaking me up.

oh ya, we are in the same class which is IF-3404, and no longer after starting the real college, he become the head class and i become the secretary..

you knoe, i feel like i have interest in him. but, i just try to ignore it coz i don't know him and i think dat that's not important for me..
BUT, that feeling suddenly appear..

i don't kno when is it started, but the conversation between us starting with the wrong number thing!!!
first, i wanna ask him about the KSM, but unfortunatelly i contact the wrong number..
then i got his right number from the other friend, and starting then we are closely enough..

actually i don't know how will our relationship be..
but the different feeling appears when he said
"udah ngga usah di bales aja smsnya tiara. apa biar aku telfon yusufnya (the wrong number guy) aja biar dia ngga nelfon kamu lagi?"
gosh, dat's the sweetest things ever dat sum1 said to me *u may say that i'm too much for that, but it's reaal!!"

after dat we keep on texting, and sumtimes we texting until we falll asleep.

BUT..........

Fuck'in TIRED..!! *bad girl mode : ON*

i feel like my body wanna break into pieces. DX DX

it's started in august 2nd. that day, i went to telkom to register for dormitory, coz people say dat it's better to live in dorm than "ngekost". so i will try it lahh..

soo busy you knoe. from 11 o'clock i finish the 'TELKOM THINGS' (like the dorm, medical check-up, and buy uniform) . oh ya, FYI i have to put my uniform from monday to thursday. BACK TO SCHOOL GUYS. WHAT A FUN COLLEGE RIGHT?! argh,,

after finish all dat, i went to my cousin's house coz there were the 4o days after my 'ua' died.

kinda sad, ,but i'm not allowed to read the yassin coz i had period dat day.

and the yassinan thing finished at 9pm..

so i go back to Jakarta after i had drove my sister and my 'other ua' to their own house...

than i arrived at 12.30am. can you imagine dat?!

3rd august...

i wen to gian hypermart to buy things dat i will need for my life in the dorm, such a plate, bowl, glass, and other..

GUESS WHAT!! i buy the plate bowl and mu dat have a SESAME STREET on it. LOL, that's the only cartoon left. it reminds me of someone. u all know who lah XP

4rd august...

i went to the 'snake mart' aka pasar uler. i bought the electronics thing there. wow, so many laah. from rice cooker, hair dryer, and water heater. after that, i have to go back to Mega Bekasi Hypermall to buy things dat still missed. and it all done at 9pm.

wat a tiring preparation for the 'live alone' life. i have no idea wat will be happen on the OSPEK day!! WUAAA...

WHY IS IT SOOO HAAAAARD?!!! *frustrated*

aih2..

sick with all of the comment from all de people in my surrounding..

people said "tiara, look at your body! you become fatter yah! wat did you eat" , "you look like Annissa's mother twins", "you will take college in Bandung? wow, you will eat much there, and will be much fatter than now", "this is the yougest, how come she's fatter that the other sisters".

OMG, if i have a choice, i wouldn't want to have a fat body like dis.

I also want to have a slim, perfect, or the usual type of body for a teenage girls like me.

BUT, it's hard for me. i have been trying to change the shape of my body, but it need process. but they would not understand bout it. THEY NEVER FEEL WAT I FEEL..!!

now, i got an aerobic class in de morning, i don't eat rice for a week, almost every day i eat gado-gado. is it not enough?? should i feel more suffer than dis?? oh my LORD.

i'm tired with all the people comments, i'm tired to feel upset when the clothes that i loved didn't fit in my body, i'm tired with all dis stuff. oh God, please make it easier for me.

i really really want to SHOW to the people dat I CAN LOOSE SOME WEIGHT AND BECOME SLIMMER THAN BEFORE..!! hope it will become a reality :)

First time to TELKOM..!!

wow, feel so tired today..

hmm, i went to Telkom for registration in the morning, and i have to go back straight away to Jakarta to receive the certificate.

well, let me write and share my experience in Telkom..

first, i was feel so afraid coz the one dat serve us is the senior.

WOW, i thought they will be scary like a monsterr...

but i was wrong, they are very friendly, like i have already bcome their friends or sumthing,,.

i feel so comfortable there, is it mean that i meant to be there?? is it mean dat this are my future college?? still wondering bout dat actually...

hhmm, but there's a scene dat makes me feel 'Gosh, i wish u are mine'

(well, maybe that's too much) what i mean is i'm having fun when i talk to him, there's nothing serious, it's like i knew him already though i even don't know his name.

is dis mean dat i'm in love with him on the first sight?? REALLY?!

well this are the nice conversation we have. (i cut some of another people dialog)

*this is happen when i type my identity in the computer*

him: where's MIGS??

me : it's in Malaysia, kak. should i write malaysia next to MIGS??

him: no, just write the full word from that school

me : cannot. the column doesn't fit for that

him:okay, just put MIGS. wow, COOL!! MALAYSIA? how was the education there?? is it nice?

me : yup :D coz the teacher there always support their student when we are down..

him: that must be fun then. oh iya, what major do you take??

me : teknik informatika

him: haha, you're my junior then. i am in teknik informatika too XD

next scenee, (for this time i think i better used indonesian language)

me : kak, kalo ibu rumah tangga disingkatnya apa yah??

my mentor : ibu rumah tangga?? ibu RT de..

me : ibu RT kak?? ntar artinya lain lagii. hehehe, dsangka ibu rt bneran :P

my mentor : oh iya yah, hahaha. sbntar yah. ISMI..!!

him: knapa?? (he stand just beside me)

my mentor : ibu rumah tangga disingkatnya apa??

him: lah? udah jelas kan?? Ibu.. Rumah... Tangga.. jadinya I R T.

me :oh okok, hehe. (when i type i, the ibu RT comes out at the bottom)

him: hahaha, ada yang nulis ibu RT bneran. kocak, dodol bgt yang nulis XDD

"how well do you speak english?"

me : not really good actually. eh tapi2 kayaknya mentor aku yang ini deh, bukan anda. jadi sono gih sono. hahahaha :P

him: wuih, bahasa inggrisnyaa..!! haha, iya2 gw pergi..

when the other problems come..

me : ka, klo jaket almamater kira2 aku ukurannya apa yah?

my mentor : wuah, apa yah. hehe, aku S

the other mentor : aku M. ahahaa

my mentor : ismiiii, jaket lo ukurannya apaaa??

him: gw L. sgini nih L nya, mank klo di sekolah ukurannya apa?

me : kmren sih L.

him: yaudah, XL aja tulisnya. takutnya kekecilan :)

when i finished

me: makasih yah kak :D

him, and the other mentor : iya, sama2..

hahaha, that's all of the conversation we had..

guess i'm too much for this. aih2

wake up, boy...!!

hmm, SNMPTN in coming up..

i'm so worry bout it. how if i failed to enter itb ?? :(

God, please help me, guide me to the best college for my future.

you know wat?!

i feel sad bout the result for the monday's TO..

actually i got 45% in dat TO (really happy with the result, hope i can do better in snmptn)

but that's not the point.

coz the reason da i feel upset about is about Ariel..

he used to beat my marks, but his marks is going down recently.

i wonder what is wrong with him. i hope he's okay..

and i really hope he can enter itb from snmptn. amin, cos i think he deserve to get it..

hmm, i feel sooo baad this week..

got a lot of depressing moment lately. feel like such a fool or sumthing..

hmm, am i that bad?? am i stupid? gosh, can't stand dis feeling any longer :(

BirthdaY? happy or sad?? BOTH...!!!

huah, yesterday : 27 April 2010 it's my 18th birthday..

i really really wish dat there will be a surprised for me actually..

but it didn't happen yesterday. a bit disappointed. but now i've realize that..

"KONSEKUENSI ORANG JAIL ----> JARANG BGT DIJAILIN"

LOL, don't know why it hurts a bit for me :')

i always dream dat sumbody will get me pun'k or make a surprise party for me..

am i wrong for that?? is it wrong to dream bout dat?? :(

the happy moments dat i felt yesterday :

1. i've got so many birthday greetings from all my friends..

2. i celebrated it with my teachers (bu el, bu ida, bu tetty) and also with ranti, sari, and iin. hehe, have a great time with them in pizza hut PGC..

3. my family (eventhough it is not complete) wake me up at 12 o'clock and bring me cakes with candles to blow..

the SAD MOMENTS are :

1. i din't get a surprise party like i've dream de day b4 my birthday..

2. 2 person dat's important for me didn't realize dat yesterday is my birthday. they are my fav teacher, and a special friend of mine..

3. there are a lot of people who cried dat day. they are :

sari : coz of her marks

inna: bcoz she just broke up with yoshua

dhevita: coz her marks didn't passed the standart score to enter IPDN..

4. I DIDN'T CELEBRATE IT WITH MY CLOSE FRIENDS. hmmfh, kinda disappointed with dat.

so, SHOULD I FEEL HAPPY OR WHAT?!

WHAT A TIRING DAY!! LOL

hmm, this is the second time i write bout Mr. Arif's birthday,..

kinda sad actually, coz this would be the last suprise dat i give for him..

(coz, i'll graduate this year "amin")

so, i have to leave the stories in high school and open a new book in the college..

okan, back to the topic..

ToDaY is MR. ARIF BIRTHDAY..

wow, i already preapared all of the things for the surprise party such as cake, 'snow spray', and a birthday trumpet..

i also already preapared the plans to get him pun'k..

BUT, there's some problem dat makes me think dat this surpise would not success..

starting from the cake which was ruin by inna's oppa, and also the looong "TALE" from MRS. Situmorang after school..

gosh, it was freaking me up.!! when my 'junior' send message like :" sis, the teacher is gone and i dunno where is he now". i was like shouted at my head " miss could you hurry up!! i have to do something important"

so, when she finished the tale, i ran to the first floor with inna, ayu, and iin. then i called mr. arif to asked bout his position that time. then he said "i'm in front of the art class".

when i look up, i saw him at the balcony. we were so panic, and we decide to separate.

inna and i was pick the cake from canteen, ayu and iin wa looking for friend that would help us for the surprised..

then we meet at the canteen, and start out mission..

we went upstair, and we light up the candle in the stairs. first, we want to shocked mr. arif by walk toward him with the cake..

but we could not make it coz the wind are too stroong and it always make the fire gone..

then, using the 2nd plan. i was the one who led him to the stairs with eyes closed. and by the time he opened his eyes, we sings happy birthday!! after he blow the candle, i sprayed him with the snow spray!! haha, that was fun!! REALLY. i'm de only one who did that (the others spray him after he shows from his expression that he's not angry with that spray) LOL..

hmm, I WILL NOT FORGET BOUT THAT,,

wat a great memories!! i'm gonna missed it after graduate from high school :')

and last, Mr. aris treat us for luch in ruspau ( canteen besides ruspau hospital )

wat a great dayy XD

The Event on The PaST..!!

haven't tell you the event in this month!

i haven't say HAPPY NEW YEAR also. Oh My God, it's been a long long time..

hmm, let see *trying to remember all of the events..*

memories on January :

the problem between me and my brother solved already..

then there are 2 unforgetable memories that i've got in January..

Yupz, It's bout HIM :)

On January 29th...

i have such a good time with him..

the third time he offered me a ride. But there's sumthing diffferent with this one..

hahaha, he sent me home for the first time!! coz it was raining. so HAPPY XD

finally he knows my house :P

On January 30th..

i was so tired that time, so i go straight to bad after PM..

the silly thing was i brushed my teeth before i take a nap!! :P

Then, at 7 pm my mom woke me up with a shocking reason!!

she said that there was my friend who waited for me outside my house.

and i was like " are you kidding me?? there's sumone who came to me in satnite??"

after wash my face, i walked toward the guess..

and i saw ARIEL in front of my house.!!

the dialogues between me and him..

T : heh..

A : (turn his body) jiah, baru bangun tidur!!

T : (ashamed) hahaha, iya capek bgtt.

A : thanks buat bukunya yah! (walk toward his motorcycle)

T : iya, sama2. ngga mampir dulu??

A : engga. ngapain (ugh, so deep -_-)

Lagian gw mau blajar ( i thought he wants to go to his GF's house)

Blajar gih sonoo!!

T : adahh, ngantuk ah!! hahaha..

A : yaudah yah, gw pergi dulu. makasih bukunya!

T : okay, hati2 yah..

hmm short dialogue but it's makes me feel so happy..

:)