what does LOVE really mean?

still confused bout the meaning of love. is it happening in my life right now or not? i can't decide it coz i still don't understand bout it.

well what is the different between crush and loves actually? i really can't figure it out.

when you want to give the best you can do to the one you like, is it love or is it the thing that you will do when you have a crush?!

sorry if i ask too many questions, i just so confused bout all of dis.

about my feeling, my reaction, his attitude, the way he's treating me, all of that just makes me feel "lost".

experience teach us sumthing rite? bad experience teach us to avoid the same mistake that we've done before. but is it exist in LOVE?

sumtimes, i feel scared to feel love. i am afraid to get hurt like before, i am afraid i take a wrong signal from that boy (too confiidence).

what is you feeling?

if there's sum1 who's like treating you like his girlfriend *sumtimes*, but you can't decide it whether it's only a joke or is it real. i know if he's not serious bout it, but why it has to be me? and why is he doing it so often, so my friends like to flirt us just like we are a couple or something..

i'm not so confortable with this situation actually, it's making me confused. if i didn't act like he act, is like i don't have sense of humor or i'm too serious with the jokes. But, if i keep act like that, i'm sure there will be "a strange feeling" come to me, and i kinda give a special attention to that person. God it's killing me..

not mean to blame or complain about my life. i just feel that i'm hurt enough in love.

i guess i taste all kinds of pain already :(

just don't want to be hurt anymore, at least for this year. just wanna have the one that really "the right one" for me, the one who takes me as i am, the one that i love and also the one that loves me back. :')

but i'm afraid, i haven't met him yet :')

sumtimes this words came out in my mind >> "am i deserved to be loved? does loves exist in my life? is it possible that someday there's a boy came to me and say that he loves me? i guess love does not for the fat and "not pretty girl" just like me!!"

and the most concern things in my mind >> " AM I AGGRESIVE?? DO I LOOK LIKE A CHEAP GIRL? gosh, am i including to those girls who likes to flirting around boys?"

just feel scared and sad if some people thinks that i belong to those girls :'(

this is just too much.. +_+

hey, haven't write in dis blog since i'm busy with de college things...
hmm, i'm in a very2 low position right now. it's just too hard to accept, and too hurts to remember..

remember that i used to think there are two boys who'd kinda give me a special attention, and i always try to be careful with their hearts (dun want any of them get hurts bcoz of me)?
well the truth now, both of them are really success in hurting me. but, maybe it is not all their fault, i was wrong too!! I WAS WRONG TO HOPING FOR THEIR LOVE (*doesn't mean that i want to have them both, but i will pick one of them to be the one #butthat'ssoimpossible right now)

well the climax of the story is yesterday..

FIRST KNIFE was pierce when.. (well, i'm gonna write the story starting from the first boy)
he sent me massage in the morning to ask me to lend him my modem. i lend him but i asked him to wait coz i need to take a shower first. then after taking a shower, i read his message. i thought that he already arrived in my dorm, but i was wrong.
he said that one of our friend will go to my dorm to take the modem, and i was like > " okay, so it's NOT you who's gonna take that modem. fine then!"
so i give the modem to my friend.
then, he sent me message in the evening to say dat he want to give back the modem. no longer after dat i met him, adn he gave me the modem #nothing's special..
*will continue next*

SECOND KNIFE was pierce when..
the boy that called me princess and so on is like a JERK. hate him really really much..
I thought that he is the one that really have a special feeling with me. BUT I WAS WRONG.
i shouldn't love him at the first time. coz this is so wroonggg..
YOU KNOW WHY?! COZ HE HAS SOMEONE SPECIAL ALREADY..!!
i just know it yesterday when i saw his FB. though it is not showed in the relationship status, but i can see it from their wall and also from their picture. this knife really torn my heart..
not because i'm too in love with him, but i feel so stupid, and ashamed also..

hmmfh, am i too innocent or too stupid yah? did they think that i am a doll to play with but not the one to be with? LOL, i just like a toy which can be played and leave anytime they want. DAMN, feel like a cheap girl or sumthing DX

the worst thing is..
that girl, add my fb account. i dun have any choice unless to accept it :(
#try to act as normal as i can, though it is really hard for me..

then, continue with the first boy..
after i saw the second boy fb, i really curious with the first one. i thought that maybe there's something strange too in this fb. then my feeling was right..!!!
when i saw the FB, i saw the wall from a girl too. and the are really close in that wall.
hmm, and he also wrote a status that "i can wait to meet/i miss my pediasure!"
GOSH, two knives at one night..
hurts me so bad..

the one that i really take a careful step with their heart is hurting me with a same time..
am i dat bad? am i really can't or not allowed to fell in love?
should i still trust with a boy? or is it means that i have to closed my heart so i won't get hurt for once again??

god, plis answer all of the questions in my head :(

It's time to let it go..!!

this is a hard decission i guess. i don't know wheter it will be a good idea or not..
hmmfh, but i think i wanna let all the feelings go. i know that this is not easy, but for now this is the best choice.

I'M LOST. i don't know what should i do with this feeling, my possition, and also his attention...
actually i really want to disscuss it with my close friends, but i guess they don't have time to listen in my STUPID and not so important story..
i really need sum1 to talk to, but nobody cares with it..
all of my friends busy with their own life, they're new friends, their work or activities..
my brother, he's different now. not the brother that i used to know..
all of the things in his mind is what's good for him, and how to take attention from people in his surrounding and also his popularity..
HIS WORLD IS DIFFERENT FROM MINE..!!

and bcoz of the situation above ^^^^
i take a conclusion dat maybe i should end this STUPID story, i should not hoping to get the love from this boy, and i have to realize that he WON'T feel the same way like i do right now..
WAKE UP TI..!! without telling anybody, you SHOULD HAVE REALIZE that this boy DOES NOT and NEVER have a special feeling to you..!! he's kindness is just because he's the head class and you're his friend dat also his secretary. NOT BECAUSE HE LIKES YOU!!!

God, this is too hard..
writting all dis makes me cried already. i can't imagine dat i have to LET IT GO..
he's the one right now. it's just him. no one dat can makes me stop to hoping for his love, INCLUDING ARIEL. but i really have to END this soon :'(

the song that accompany me writting dis blog >>> CINTA SENDIRI - KAHITNA
maybe that's the perfect picture of my situation right now..!!
:((

Is it REAL or JUST ANOTHER CRUSH...??!! (part 2)

Flash Back :

the sweetest things dat he have said..

"udah ngga usa dibales aja smsnya tiara. apa biar aku telfon Yusuf nya biar dia ngga nelfon kamu lagi?"

But, no longer after dat...

i kinda confused with all his attention to me..

well, there's a gurl dat has the same name *almost* with him. well, the others like to match them up like a couple..

First i was okay with it, but then..

one dah we have to pay for english book, and (the girl ^^^^) didn't bring money for that, but no longer after that she accidently found some money in her pocket.

"wah, trnyata di dompet aku ada uangnya. hahahaha, nih aku bayar!!" she said

"tenang aja chi, kalo kamu ngga bawa juga bisa pake uang aku dulu kok!" he said

by that time i was like, what the hell??

in front of me you show dat kind of attention??

all day, i was soooo mad at him. but i dunno why, forgot also..

that madness gone..

then, the other problems come..

it starts when he said that he and nita (my other friend) was in de same room at the registration day. he wonder if anita knows dat.

then, when my friend said "ciye daus, sampe hafal. jgn2 ngincer nita nih"

his reaction is different like he use to react when people match him with uci..

his face is so serious dat time. but i can't figure out what's on his mind..

then the next day, nita sits beside him..

and he react so strange. *salting*

gosh, does he has a special feeling to nita??

T^T

but sometimes i feel like he giving some kind of a special attention to me..

they are :

1. he gives me the 1st cake in his birthday *i know it's the request from th class, but why would he wanna do dat if he doesn't like me? why don't he just gives the spoon not feeding me by himself!!

2. why he keep send me message, and always reply my messages (though it's not very urgent)

3. why he keep reminding me to eat, to take care myself, to drink medicine?

4. why he often say goodnight to me

aaaargh, i love you. though there's some guy who suddenly close to me. but you're the one that i think bout. you're message is the one that i waited for, and your love is what i am looking for..

DO YOU LOVE ME OR YOU JUST CONSIDERING ME AS A FRIEND?? DX

Is it REAL or JUST ANOTHER CRUSH...??!! (part 1)

sooo, confused!!
it begins with..

hmm, when the first time i enter the college, i met tis boy..
you know what, sometimes i feel like he's looking to me when he was smilling..
it's kinda freaking me up.

oh ya, we are in the same class which is IF-3404, and no longer after starting the real college, he become the head class and i become the secretary..

you knoe, i feel like i have interest in him. but, i just try to ignore it coz i don't know him and i think dat that's not important for me..
BUT, that feeling suddenly appear..

i don't kno when is it started, but the conversation between us starting with the wrong number thing!!!
first, i wanna ask him about the KSM, but unfortunatelly i contact the wrong number..
then i got his right number from the other friend, and starting then we are closely enough..

actually i don't know how will our relationship be..
but the different feeling appears when he said
"udah ngga usah di bales aja smsnya tiara. apa biar aku telfon yusufnya (the wrong number guy) aja biar dia ngga nelfon kamu lagi?"
gosh, dat's the sweetest things ever dat sum1 said to me *u may say that i'm too much for that, but it's reaal!!"

after dat we keep on texting, and sumtimes we texting until we falll asleep.

BUT..........

WHY IS IT SOOO HAAAAARD?!!! *frustrated*

aih2..

sick with all of the comment from all de people in my surrounding..

people said "tiara, look at your body! you become fatter yah! wat did you eat" , "you look like Annissa's mother twins", "you will take college in Bandung? wow, you will eat much there, and will be much fatter than now", "this is the yougest, how come she's fatter that the other sisters".

OMG, if i have a choice, i wouldn't want to have a fat body like dis.

I also want to have a slim, perfect, or the usual type of body for a teenage girls like me.

BUT, it's hard for me. i have been trying to change the shape of my body, but it need process. but they would not understand bout it. THEY NEVER FEEL WAT I FEEL..!!

now, i got an aerobic class in de morning, i don't eat rice for a week, almost every day i eat gado-gado. is it not enough?? should i feel more suffer than dis?? oh my LORD.

i'm tired with all the people comments, i'm tired to feel upset when the clothes that i loved didn't fit in my body, i'm tired with all dis stuff. oh God, please make it easier for me.

i really really want to SHOW to the people dat I CAN LOOSE SOME WEIGHT AND BECOME SLIMMER THAN BEFORE..!! hope it will become a reality :)

First time to TELKOM..!!

wow, feel so tired today..

hmm, i went to Telkom for registration in the morning, and i have to go back straight away to Jakarta to receive the certificate.

well, let me write and share my experience in Telkom..

first, i was feel so afraid coz the one dat serve us is the senior.

WOW, i thought they will be scary like a monsterr...

but i was wrong, they are very friendly, like i have already bcome their friends or sumthing,,.

i feel so comfortable there, is it mean that i meant to be there?? is it mean dat this are my future college?? still wondering bout dat actually...

hhmm, but there's a scene dat makes me feel 'Gosh, i wish u are mine'

(well, maybe that's too much) what i mean is i'm having fun when i talk to him, there's nothing serious, it's like i knew him already though i even don't know his name.

is dis mean dat i'm in love with him on the first sight?? REALLY?!

well this are the nice conversation we have. (i cut some of another people dialog)

*this is happen when i type my identity in the computer*

him: where's MIGS??

me : it's in Malaysia, kak. should i write malaysia next to MIGS??

him: no, just write the full word from that school

me : cannot. the column doesn't fit for that

him:okay, just put MIGS. wow, COOL!! MALAYSIA? how was the education there?? is it nice?

me : yup :D coz the teacher there always support their student when we are down..

him: that must be fun then. oh iya, what major do you take??

me : teknik informatika

him: haha, you're my junior then. i am in teknik informatika too XD

next scenee, (for this time i think i better used indonesian language)

me : kak, kalo ibu rumah tangga disingkatnya apa yah??

my mentor : ibu rumah tangga?? ibu RT de..

me : ibu RT kak?? ntar artinya lain lagii. hehehe, dsangka ibu rt bneran :P

my mentor : oh iya yah, hahaha. sbntar yah. ISMI..!!

him: knapa?? (he stand just beside me)

my mentor : ibu rumah tangga disingkatnya apa??

him: lah? udah jelas kan?? Ibu.. Rumah... Tangga.. jadinya I R T.

me :oh okok, hehe. (when i type i, the ibu RT comes out at the bottom)

him: hahaha, ada yang nulis ibu RT bneran. kocak, dodol bgt yang nulis XDD

"how well do you speak english?"

me : not really good actually. eh tapi2 kayaknya mentor aku yang ini deh, bukan anda. jadi sono gih sono. hahahaha :P

him: wuih, bahasa inggrisnyaa..!! haha, iya2 gw pergi..

when the other problems come..

me : ka, klo jaket almamater kira2 aku ukurannya apa yah?

my mentor : wuah, apa yah. hehe, aku S

the other mentor : aku M. ahahaa

my mentor : ismiiii, jaket lo ukurannya apaaa??

him: gw L. sgini nih L nya, mank klo di sekolah ukurannya apa?

me : kmren sih L.

him: yaudah, XL aja tulisnya. takutnya kekecilan :)

when i finished

me: makasih yah kak :D

him, and the other mentor : iya, sama2..

hahaha, that's all of the conversation we had..

guess i'm too much for this. aih2

you make me smile again :)

it happens 2 days ago, while i had to take TPA test in SSC..

i take the test for about 3 hours..

ahh, wat a tiring job..

hmm, when i busy trying to get the answer for the stupid test, my teacher is trying to call ariel..

first thing on my mind : GOSH, will he comes here tonight?? please no..

but the fact is diferrent from wat i think..

he said to my teacher that he will come to SSC..

my first reaction : finish my TPA as fast as i can, so i would not go to the same class together with him..

and i made it. i'm de one dat come in the class first.

my teacher asked me to sit on de back beside Riza. no longer after that, ariel came.

unexpectedly, my teacher ordered him to sit on the back, and ask riza to moves.

i was like, OH MY GOD!! is dis a disaster or wat??

haha, i'm really scared that time..

tapi ternyata semua baik2 aja. dan yg bikin gw seneng, dia kembali kyak dulu, ngga dingin lagi sama gw. he just the way he was :)

thanks God, you have answered my prayer.

dan 1 lagi yang bikin gw seneng, muka dia lucu bgt pas dia juga ngga tau bacaan yg ada di soal bahasa inggris!! can't forget bout it XDXD

and de last, Mrs.Nurul says "Tiara sama Ariel harusnya udah jago yah bahasa inggrisnya!!"

i dun get it wat she means actually..

dan gw juga ngga tau knapa hari itu banyak hal berkaitan antara gw sama dia..

pas gw naik angkot yah, baru nengok ke kiri, yg gw liat muka dia pas lagi naik motor (kebetulan motornya disamping angkot gw) XDXD

hmm, i dunno wat is that all about..

but, i would like to say thanks to God coz God ansewered my prayer already :)

and thanks to Ariel dat he's come back..!! i wish dat u always stay the same X)

ShouLD i feel Happy, Sad or Wat?! :(

I dunno wat should i do now..

happy like princess meet her prince..

or crying bcoz thinking dat her prince is too perfect for her??

God, i can't get wat u mean by the incident dat happen tonight..

thank you so much dat U gives the opportunity for me to join his ride..

I really really happy tonight, it's like a miracle for me :)

well, this is de story bout that special moment (for me)..

this incident start when i finish my toution in SSC..

well, there are only 3 peolpe dat entering class today..

me, Ariel and Aziz..

i'm the one who leave dat building first coz i have to catch 'angkot'..

ariel and aziz ride their motorcycle..

while i had walked for a few minutes, aziz passed me by..

he said "hey Tiara, i'm going home yah!!"

and i replied "oh, okok :) "

no longer after dat, Ariel came and passed me..

He did not said anything, did not look at me either..

aih, YOU ARE SO MEAN lah!! <<>

I really fed up with his attitude that time..

then, i continue walking..

HEH?? i was so SHOCK when i saw ariel is in front of me..

i saw him open his bag and searching for something..

so, when i passed him, i ask him..

T: hayo, apa yg ketinggalan??

A: engga, ga ada kok. oh iya, lo pulang naik apa?

T: pake angkot. tuh angkotnya (mbil nunjuk angkot di seberang)

A: hmm, mank alamat lo dimana?

T: In cikunir, jl. jakarta. tau ngga??

A: itu dimana yah? yaudah, ayo bareng aja..

T: serius? ngga ngerepotin?

A: engga kok.

T: okok, tpi gw nebeng mpe bank mandiri aja yah :)

A: bank mandiri ptung kuda 1 kan? ok...

then on the motorcycle..

Oh My God. I dunno wat should i do now..

it just like a dream for me. really, it's a miracle..

Thanks God..!! (hal yg gw pikirin pas di motor)

finally we arrived in the bank Mandiri..

T : Makasih yah, ril :D

A: iya, sama2..

T: sory ngerepotin.

A: iya gpp kok..

can't forget his face lahh >.<

but there sumthing dat makes me sad..

that happen when my mom said "jangan cerita2 ke banyak tmen kamu yah, nanti kamu malah diketawain, bgitu duank pke crita2."

gosh. after that i lost de spirit..

banyak yg lgsung kpikiran di otak gw..

" gw lebay bgt ga sih?? dianterin githu aja senengnya setengah mati!!"

"Ti, lo tuh PD BGT klo sampe mikir ariel punya perasaan yang sama kyak lo!!"

"hey, itu tuh bukan apa2. itu hal yang biasa. sumpah lo lebay abis!"

ahhh, i feel so frustrated lahh..

so many questions in my mind dat makes me feel down, down and down..

and all i do is crying when thinking bout dat incident..

but i'm still happy bcoz of ariel :)

it's been a while i didn't write in dis blog :D

hmmm, there's a lot of event that happen since i didn't write dis blog..

wat ya..

well the first is my 17th birthday..

i celebrate it in school, wif my friends and Mrs. Situmorang :P

eventhough it is not a BIG PARTY but i really enjoy it..

unfortunately, i still have one regret in my birthday..

you know wat..

i didn't give my birthday cake to the person i admire aka my crush..

my god, i thought he didn't want the cake..

but the fact is different from wat i thought..

Pow, i'm so sorry, honestly i REALY want give u the cake..

but i was afraid dat u did not like it..

hmmfh, why can't we be a good friend like in elementary school??

miss that moment so much :(

and the 2nd is..

i had a fight mith my brother..

and dis is the worst of all..

we almost not contact each other for 1 week..

gosh, i was so frustrated that time.

but luckily we already act like usual..

:)

haha, dats all lah..

to tired to write..

maybe next time,

i will write more interesting and unforgetable moment in my life..

hahaha..

Semuanya Campur Aduk..

inget ga 1 bulan yang lalu ada apa??
ada STUDY TOUR!! dmana gw ketemuan sama abang gw..
ga nyangka yah dah 1 bulan beralu..

pasti pada nyangkanya gw bernostalgia yah sama abang gw ttg itu..
haha, salah klo pada mikir bgitu..
karna kenyataan nya jaauuuuh bgt dari itu..

hubungan gw ma abang gw dah ngga enak minggu2 ini..
and kmaren gw ma dia smsan tapi pke kta2 dingin..
R: cma mau ngasih tau klo gw dah bikin FB, ni e-mailnya ......
T: oo, bgus deh klo gitu
R: ooo gitu, thx bwat komentarnya
T: sama2
T: Dah gw add FB lo, tinggal di confirm
R: Ga janji bkalan gw confirm

gila yah, ga nyangka gw dia bkalan kya githu..
org sekitar gw yg nge add dia aja dah di confirm requestnya..
gw doank yang engga!!
baik bgt yah abang gw..

wajar ga sih klo gw nangis..
unexpected bgt, gw kira hri ni gw bisa smsan smbil inget2 1 bulan lalu..
tapi pkiran gw terlalu jauuuh..
T.T

pgen bgt bilang gni ma abang gw..
"thanks dah baik sama gw, and sory gw ngga bisa jadi ade yang baik buat lo!"

ga tau deh gw bakalan ikut ke Cirebon apa engga klo kya gni :'(

dunno wat To do...!!

hmmfh, kmaren bru ja abang gw balik ke Bandung..
entah knapa pas dia di Jakarta pasti aja ADA HALANGANNYA bwat ktemuan
mank kaga ditakdirin kali yah!! huhu T.T

well, he will be in Jakarta on Saturday..
he wants 2 play wif her family in Dufan..
actually, he invites me to come also..
but UNFORTUNATELY Saturday is ma father's birthday..
My gosh, for once AGAIN i cannot meet him..
why yah??

in skuL..
i'm so FED UP wif the "human" attitude..
he's making me soo frustrated with him..
can't he just look at me and say hai or just smile??
can't imagine wat's on his mind..
i give up lah..
if dats de way he wants, i'll show it mine!!
wkwk, LEBAY..

btw, i miss ma friend in MIGS soo much..
actually, i can talk wif them in Facebook..
but, i'm 2 afraid to start the conversation..
my English is not good as they are..
they still remember me or not ya??
huhu..

..gotta sleep..

wat a boring holiday..

hua, i can't enjoy dis holiday!!

it's soo BORING..

u knoe??

the only thing dat i do are just sending sms (to ma brother,

inna, n 'him'), helps ma mother in the kitchen,

and the last thing is going somewhere without buying anything,,..

my gosh, i dun have any money,,

my father have not given yet the 'monthly salary'..

so frustrated lah..

guys, do u knoe the sign when sum1 falling in luv wif sumbody??

could u tell me de sign please!!

thx b4 :P

nywaz, i miss Letoy aka totoy aka sinar aka $$$..

hehehe..

it become worse..

My God, this week makes me soo frustrated..
so many problems i must solve..

the first one is bout ma study..
i guess i need to study harder,
b'coz i get bad marks for almost all subjects in SCIENCE..
eventhough i got 80 in physics (for de 1st time)
i just can feel happy bout dat...

the 2nd problem it's about 'dat person'..
you know wat, after i have deleted his number..
he send me sms..
but i didn't reply it wif a nice words..

the thing is, i just want him to realize bout his attitude in school,,
that makes me angry wif him..
but the respond dat i get, is far away from wat i expected..
when i met him after i have the biology 'remedial' test..
he just stare at me, without saying any words..
DAMN..!!

hmmfh..
just give up..
i dunno wat should i do if i met him in school..
i really want to slap his face!! (hahaha, TOO MUCH a.k.a LEBAY)

huaah, wat time is it??
how many our left to maghrib??
soo H****Y!!
hehe..

Wat a daY..!!

finally, ma brother and I already act like usual ^-^

although i was the one who's sending him sms first..

hehe..

(satnite..)

hmfh, nothing to do..

just going out wif ma parents and sista to Giant..

but, nothing special..

suddenly, i am thinking bout 'dat person' (OMG)

i dunno wat should i do!! 

so i talk to ma brother, and ask bout his advice..

he says: "last time i also act like dat, it's because I dun have

any confident to talk to the girl"

and then i ask him 'wat should i do then?'

he give me choices, and he explain bout all the consequences one by one..

after he had explained it all

finally, i made ma decision..

ma decision is : i must looking for another man, and forget all bout him!! 

it's the best way for me, for 'him', and for 'her'

haha, where's ma prince charming?? i'm waiting here :P

For ma brother : Thank you very much, bro!! hehe :D

ENTERTAIN me please..!!! =_=

wat a day..
hmmfh, i've got a bad marks for de biology test TToTT
i cried when i relize how stupid i am..
but, ma friends cheer me up..
thanks guys.

the other problem is..
I HATE MA 'BROTHER'..

for some reason!! which i cannot say in dis blog..
huff, dunno wat should i say to him..
everytime i try to talk to him,
he still cannot understand bout it..
i'm so tired to talk to you bro..

gezz, i need a fresh air..
too much problem..
can't sum1 entertain me please??


*wish you were here to entertain me  *

StiLL can't Understand bout wat Happen!! :-/

hmm..
i dunno why, i always thinking bout dis person these days..
just remember bout de memory in de past..
is it mean dat i miss him??
so confused..

sumtimes i think he treat me in a special way..
but i guess i'm wrong..
bcoz, the way dat he treat me in school is away different wif de way he talk to me in the sms..
does every boy like dat??


hmmfh..
now de situation much different..
last time, he always send me sms,
but now he never do dat again..

now, i still dunno wat to do..
i guess he never understand about wat i want for him..
i just want him to greet and talk to me in the school..
at least, treat me as a friend..
is it too much??
am i hopping too much for dat??