The Reality that Hurts

it's kinda hard to start the story,okay just say that you already know that my position is getting closer with Tiok. Before i have Geladi in Bali, he gave me a bracelet and say he only gave that for a special person in his life.

But the problems started to come when i was in Bali and he was in Solo..
it's lack of communication..
then there are time when i was asking bout what will gonna happen next time we met (it's like on September), that time i was so disappointed with his answer.
I need him to convince me to keep in this feeling until September, but it is not his answer :')

Then when i'm in the middle of this 'flat feeling', there were someone who took my sight. 
Someone that i think he's kinda mysterious, like there is something that i don't know about him, and if i may i wanna know about it.

first time i met that boy, it was the opening of Geladi. 
he was sitting right behind me, then wen i want to leaned on my chair, he was resting using my chair so by that time we made the first interaction. Then he asked for tissue to me because that time he catch a cold..
that is the first time and day i met him..

then at the night i was dreaming about him that we are gonna be in one team at geladi, and my dream was right. we are in the same division called FTTH (Fiber To The Home). then my interest started to grow more and more..

i don't understand why, but sumtimes i feel so comfortable when he's around, especially when we are doing the prayer together, i feel safe behind him.
then he always makes me laugh with his silly jokes, and his cute face when he fall asleep. and by the time i'm with him, i never think about my problems with Tiok..
i just think that, it will be nice if i can get closer with this mysterious boy, but i am not sure whether is it possible or not :')

ohiya there are some similarity between the mysterious boy with tiok..
first, they love photography
second, they birth year is the same (1991)
third, their birth month same ( him : 23 August , tiok 10 August)

and i don;t know why is it the same -m-

what does LOVE really mean?

still confused bout the meaning of love. is it happening in my life right now or not? i can't decide it coz i still don't understand bout it.

well what is the different between crush and loves actually? i really can't figure it out.

when you want to give the best you can do to the one you like, is it love or is it the thing that you will do when you have a crush?!

sorry if i ask too many questions, i just so confused bout all of dis.

about my feeling, my reaction, his attitude, the way he's treating me, all of that just makes me feel "lost".

experience teach us sumthing rite? bad experience teach us to avoid the same mistake that we've done before. but is it exist in LOVE?

sumtimes, i feel scared to feel love. i am afraid to get hurt like before, i am afraid i take a wrong signal from that boy (too confiidence).

what is you feeling?

if there's sum1 who's like treating you like his girlfriend *sumtimes*, but you can't decide it whether it's only a joke or is it real. i know if he's not serious bout it, but why it has to be me? and why is he doing it so often, so my friends like to flirt us just like we are a couple or something..

i'm not so confortable with this situation actually, it's making me confused. if i didn't act like he act, is like i don't have sense of humor or i'm too serious with the jokes. But, if i keep act like that, i'm sure there will be "a strange feeling" come to me, and i kinda give a special attention to that person. God it's killing me..

not mean to blame or complain about my life. i just feel that i'm hurt enough in love.

i guess i taste all kinds of pain already :(

just don't want to be hurt anymore, at least for this year. just wanna have the one that really "the right one" for me, the one who takes me as i am, the one that i love and also the one that loves me back. :')

but i'm afraid, i haven't met him yet :')

sumtimes this words came out in my mind >> "am i deserved to be loved? does loves exist in my life? is it possible that someday there's a boy came to me and say that he loves me? i guess love does not for the fat and "not pretty girl" just like me!!"

and the most concern things in my mind >> " AM I AGGRESIVE?? DO I LOOK LIKE A CHEAP GIRL? gosh, am i including to those girls who likes to flirting around boys?"

just feel scared and sad if some people thinks that i belong to those girls :'(

this is just too much.. +_+

hey, haven't write in dis blog since i'm busy with de college things...
hmm, i'm in a very2 low position right now. it's just too hard to accept, and too hurts to remember..

remember that i used to think there are two boys who'd kinda give me a special attention, and i always try to be careful with their hearts (dun want any of them get hurts bcoz of me)?
well the truth now, both of them are really success in hurting me. but, maybe it is not all their fault, i was wrong too!! I WAS WRONG TO HOPING FOR THEIR LOVE (*doesn't mean that i want to have them both, but i will pick one of them to be the one #butthat'ssoimpossible right now)

well the climax of the story is yesterday..

FIRST KNIFE was pierce when.. (well, i'm gonna write the story starting from the first boy)
he sent me massage in the morning to ask me to lend him my modem. i lend him but i asked him to wait coz i need to take a shower first. then after taking a shower, i read his message. i thought that he already arrived in my dorm, but i was wrong.
he said that one of our friend will go to my dorm to take the modem, and i was like > " okay, so it's NOT you who's gonna take that modem. fine then!"
so i give the modem to my friend.
then, he sent me message in the evening to say dat he want to give back the modem. no longer after dat i met him, adn he gave me the modem #nothing's special..
*will continue next*

SECOND KNIFE was pierce when..
the boy that called me princess and so on is like a JERK. hate him really really much..
I thought that he is the one that really have a special feeling with me. BUT I WAS WRONG.
i shouldn't love him at the first time. coz this is so wroonggg..
YOU KNOW WHY?! COZ HE HAS SOMEONE SPECIAL ALREADY..!!
i just know it yesterday when i saw his FB. though it is not showed in the relationship status, but i can see it from their wall and also from their picture. this knife really torn my heart..
not because i'm too in love with him, but i feel so stupid, and ashamed also..

hmmfh, am i too innocent or too stupid yah? did they think that i am a doll to play with but not the one to be with? LOL, i just like a toy which can be played and leave anytime they want. DAMN, feel like a cheap girl or sumthing DX

the worst thing is..
that girl, add my fb account. i dun have any choice unless to accept it :(
#try to act as normal as i can, though it is really hard for me..

then, continue with the first boy..
after i saw the second boy fb, i really curious with the first one. i thought that maybe there's something strange too in this fb. then my feeling was right..!!!
when i saw the FB, i saw the wall from a girl too. and the are really close in that wall.
hmm, and he also wrote a status that "i can wait to meet/i miss my pediasure!"
GOSH, two knives at one night..
hurts me so bad..

the one that i really take a careful step with their heart is hurting me with a same time..
am i dat bad? am i really can't or not allowed to fell in love?
should i still trust with a boy? or is it means that i have to closed my heart so i won't get hurt for once again??

god, plis answer all of the questions in my head :(

It's time to let it go..!!

this is a hard decission i guess. i don't know wheter it will be a good idea or not..
hmmfh, but i think i wanna let all the feelings go. i know that this is not easy, but for now this is the best choice.

I'M LOST. i don't know what should i do with this feeling, my possition, and also his attention...
actually i really want to disscuss it with my close friends, but i guess they don't have time to listen in my STUPID and not so important story..
i really need sum1 to talk to, but nobody cares with it..
all of my friends busy with their own life, they're new friends, their work or activities..
my brother, he's different now. not the brother that i used to know..
all of the things in his mind is what's good for him, and how to take attention from people in his surrounding and also his popularity..
HIS WORLD IS DIFFERENT FROM MINE..!!

and bcoz of the situation above ^^^^
i take a conclusion dat maybe i should end this STUPID story, i should not hoping to get the love from this boy, and i have to realize that he WON'T feel the same way like i do right now..
WAKE UP TI..!! without telling anybody, you SHOULD HAVE REALIZE that this boy DOES NOT and NEVER have a special feeling to you..!! he's kindness is just because he's the head class and you're his friend dat also his secretary. NOT BECAUSE HE LIKES YOU!!!

God, this is too hard..
writting all dis makes me cried already. i can't imagine dat i have to LET IT GO..
he's the one right now. it's just him. no one dat can makes me stop to hoping for his love, INCLUDING ARIEL. but i really have to END this soon :'(

the song that accompany me writting dis blog >>> CINTA SENDIRI - KAHITNA
maybe that's the perfect picture of my situation right now..!!
:((